Indra’s Drishtikona (Viewpoint)

Broken Dreams and Concealed Tears

Posted : July 28, 2005 at 11:50 am [IST]

I thought I would be closing my blog entries from US on a pleasant note. But one of the parents of this complex (Mansion Grove Apartments) requested me to write one more.

We are leaving tomorrow and I had a sprain in my feet. I had to abandon the 5-km morning walk. I came out for a walk in the campus of Mansion Drive Apartments complex itself. My two friends with their wives were walking on the ridge. They invited me to join them and I did. My doctor friend accompanied me. And very soon he picked up the subject of the behavior of sons and daughter-in-law with parents. My friends seemed to be very much hurt and aggrieved. I heard all the stories. I feel their agony has come because of some gap in expectations and reality. It would have happened even if they had lived with their sons in India. They feel their sons are totally under the influence of their daughter-in-laws who have mesmerized their sons. Their lifestyle and actions are against the traditional values of India. Perhaps the parents belonging to the older generation are expecting too much.

And then I was just shocked when my contractor friend said, “A mother can take care of ten sons, but ten sons can’t take care of one mother.” Others also expressed similar feelings.

I am reminded of Tulsidas : “Soot maanahi matoo pita tab lou, abalanan dekh nahin jab lau, Sasurari piyari lagi jab te ripurup kutumba bhaye tab te”. Rough Translation: Sons respect their father and mother only so long as they have not seen the face of their wife. From the time they take a fancy to their wife’s kinfolks, they begin to look upon their own people as their enemies.

All these parents are from the traditional middle class. For many, this is the first time they’ve stepped outside India. Thanks to their education and the boom in IT industry in US during the late 1990s, the Indian youngsters have an opportunity to work in the most advanced country of the world. They are well off. They are earning in many cases almost equal to the total lifetime savings of some of these parents in just one month. They have cars, and all amenities at home that the parents have never seen in their lifetime. They have switched over to American way of living and even dressing to a certain extent. They invited their parents to show them around and to spend some quality time with them. In many cases they have paid the airfare too and are spending time and money to keep them happy. Unfortunately, lack of frank and honest communication perhaps is causing more challenges than good memories. Some plan to return sooner than they thought. They’re finding it difficult to spend time here. After all, there is only so much TV one can watch. To make matters worse, Santa Clara (or for that matter, many US cities as I have been told) do not have good public transportation facilities that would make these parents a bit more mobile.

There are certainly causes of abrasions between the generations, particularly between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but that is everywhere. Why should the parents be so concerned about it? Why sons can’t foresee the problems in advance or discuss with the parents properly and solve it? May be I would have written on it on a later date, after some more research.

- Indra

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